I married a cult leader at the age of 18. I tried to escape 10 times, but the system made it almost impossible.

• Brill Decker grew up in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

• When she was 18, she married FLDS leader Warren Jeffs. She was his 65th wife.

• Decker escaped in 2012 after several attempts. She now helps other survivors rebuild their lives.

This essay is based on a conversation with Brill Decker, a former member of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and the 65th wife of its former leader, Warren Jeffs. She married Jeff in 2004 at the age of 18. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I was born and raised in the FLDS faith. Ever since I was a child, my day was structured around religious instruction.

I spent at least four hours a day in sermons—in the morning with my family, at school, after lunch, and again before bed.

I believed everything my parents and Warren Jeffs said, who became a prophet for the FLDS in 2002 and was presented as the closest person to God on earth.

Growing up, no one asked me what I wanted to be, it was expected that I would be a “mother in Zion.” The Yearning for Zion Ranch was the main FLDS compound in Texas.

At the age of 18, my father wrote a letter and recommended me for marriage to Warren Jeff. I said yes even though I was scared and didn’t love him.

Women can technically refuse marriage, but the consequences can be dire. Losing your place in your family, your community, and the church was always a possibility.

Looking back on the moment I agreed to marry Jeffs, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff with no way out.

Jeffs had a way of making everything he did look right, even when it was wrong. He used the Book of Mormon to justify his actions. This leads me to believe that the FLDS was a cult. (Several organizations, documentaries, and other former FLDS members have also described the FLDS as a cult.)

Once, I was brought to Jeff’s group sessions (aka orgies). He was bringing young brides into rooms with adult wives, and it was a very bad situation. I didn’t want to be a part of it, and later, I asked for more time to adjust so I wouldn’t have to go back. I never had to.

I was married for two years before Jeffs went to prison, and I stayed in the FLDS as part of his group for several years until I escaped in 2012. I never consummated the marriage.

Control shaped everything—where I lived, what I ate, and how I thought

Jeffs controlled almost every part of my life and the lives of everyone in the church.

For example, he held the title to everyone’s house in a legal trust and used it to control the residence. He decided where people lived, and could move families at any time.

The women of his family, including me, were not allowed to step out of our house freely. We couldn’t get out. Food that Jeff had picked out for us was brought home. And in some places there were cameras and caretakers watching us. There was really no way out.

Over time, restrictions tightened, especially in the mid-2000s when the Jeffs were under police investigation. We were freed from access to television and the Internet. I think it helped hide the truth from the public.

I tried to escape again and again, but each attempt made it harder

I tried to escape about 10 times before I succeeded. The more I tried, the stronger the control around me became.

In an initial attempt, I contacted the police and thought I might be able to leave for good. But they said they wanted to put me in a shelter near the FLDS compound, and that didn’t make me feel safe.

It was my first time trying to explain what was going on, and I had no idea why being so close to the compound felt so dangerous. I returned to my family in the FLDS in Short Creek, an area along the Arizona-Utah border, because I couldn’t see how the police plan was working.

Then I quietly began to try to plan. I would look in phone books or try to find out where I could go, but I was often seen before I got very far. People were expected to report anything suspicious, so it didn’t take long for anyone to notice.

At one point, after I tried to leave, the room I was in physically changed. They put screws in the window so it wouldn’t open all the way, and they turned the door knob so I couldn’t open it from the inside.

Even calling for help was risky. In some areas, calling 911 could connect you with people affiliated with the FLDS, so it didn’t seem like a safe option. There was no clear path to outside support, and no access to information to help me navigate.

the day i ran away

On May 23, 2012, I escaped.

That morning, I tried to leave and was caught on the main roads and brought back. Later that day, I was in a room and I noticed that one of the screws on the window was loose.

I found some scissors and worked until it was completely loose. Finally, the screw broke.

Someone at home saw me and tried to stop me, but I kept going. I ran out of the window.

This time, I avoided the main roads. I drove down a back road and through a creek until I came to the home of a former FLDS member who had turned against the church.

By the end of the day, they had driven me out of town to safety.

Leaving was just the beginning

After I left the FLDS, I stayed in shelters and worked to rebuild the basic parts of my life. I changed my name and my social security number. I have opened my first bank account. I finally got married again – this time by choice – and started building my life.

I saw the ocean for the first time on my honeymoon in Santa Monica, something I never thought I would experience. Later, I saw the Statue of Liberty, which felt especially meaningful because it represented freedom, and I was finally free.

I finally learned that I had rights to Jeff’s 45 room property in Short Creek. I applied for ownership in February 2016 and was awarded the house later that year.

I started giving free tours of it to raise awareness and connect with people who would help turn it into something big. Through those connections, I partnered with a nonprofit called the Dream Center, which agreed to take over the operations and turn the property into a recovery center.

Today, it serves as a place where people — especially those from the FLDS and other polygamous groups — can find housing, support and resources as they rebuild their lives.

Warren Jeffs was sentenced in 2011 to life in prison and 20 years for sexually abusing two minor girls unrelated to Brielle Decker. His defense – led by several lawyers – argued that his religious freedom had been violated.

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